After graduating from a Christian high school I left for college like most of my peers. I was very excited about perusing a career in journalism and was even more excited when a contest my mom entered me into offered a full scholarship to a 9-month modeling program.
Starting at a community college with full intensions on transferring to CU in boulder, CO. and driving downtown
Then came the phone call that brought me to my knees, I had just graduated the modeling program, was offered a year long contract and was in the considering stage (what's to consider, I know) when my step mother, back home called and said "your fathers dying and I'm leaving, you may want to get out here and take care of him".
I knew my dad had been sick, he told me in a fit of rage during high school, and although I had seen he had lost weight and quit working, I hadn't really seen this "dying" side. I thought she was exaggerating but thought I should go home and see for my self, so I turned down the contract and packed my bags.
I couldn't believe the man I called father was so ill. I had never seen someone so skinny and white. All he could do was lay in bed and all I could do was cry. I avoided him like the plague. My mom set me up in a friend’s home and got me a night job so, I stayed busy and gone as much as I could. I arrived back home in the middle of February (I remember it was right before my 19th birthday) and he died April 27th, 1989.
I was lost, being raised an only child by my father, he was my world and it had just crashed in. To make matters worse my step mom, who was purposively leaving him arrived with an attorney in the hospital. The end of my father’s life was the beginning of a two and half year court battle that I wasn't emotionally equipped to take on.
An old friend reconnected with me, a guy I had fantasized and even made out with but he was much older than me at the time, so I was the one that got away in his memory. He took me to what seemed to be a familiar family environment, the home was clean and orderly I remember his mom in the kitchen and it looking like a “leave it to beaver moment” I felt safe and loved, something I hadn’t experienced since my dad got sick & angry, the only memories I had since jr. high
I later learned that enabling co-dependent people that have no control over out of control spouses keep really good house!
My old friend soon became my new husband and father to my new baby. My old friend turned out to be an addict that when my dad was so sick and during his funeral and even for a while after, I liked escaping into a bottle or would take a hit on a joint with him but, upon becoming a parent that season was over, for me . Since he wasn’t (and still isn’t) ready for the party to end he found other women who where ready, willing and able to get loaded! I in the meantime, reconnected with church and was beginning my own spiritual journey. It took 6 years & 2 children when he finally left me for one of those women.
25, single, 2 kids, no family…..I remember calculating my finances and thinking there is no way I can afford my lifestyle. I prayed, assuming that the plan would be to scale back and the Lord said "put your son in private school!" I knew my boy was struggling in first grade and I wanted him to be held back but PRIVATE SCHOOL! I couldn't afford my current overhead much less private school. After much struggle I concluded if I was going to go down, I was going crash and burn in style, so I obeyed the spirit and walked in FAITH.
That was really the beginning of my jouney of faith, trusting in the Lord when NOTHING around me made sense. I learned to trust and obey. Those two core values in my spiritual journey are the essence of every lesson going forward.
KNOW AND BELIEVE lead us to TRUST and OBEY.
The life journey has taken me down much darker times then just being a single mom. future blogs may expand on those season, times that include Herion addiction,son's Drug overdose & court battles that literally PERSECUTED me for my faith in Jesus Christ to mention a few.
I have walked thru the valley of the shadow of death and can say, I have seen the land of the LIVING God, His faithfulness to His children and His promises which are YES & AMEN.
I hope to glorify the Lord with all I say thru this Blog & pray you find the same faithful God thru my writtings.
